And then I didn't!!!
I was lucky, and I will never forget how lucky I was.
It was a quick turn around, exactly a month to that date, 20 March, I found out all was a-ok. The cancer was gone, the 2cm zone around it was cancer free and also gone and the lymph taken was also cancer free.
I cannot begin to tell you the relief, all I had to do was rest and let my wounds heal.
And so I did, it wasn't an easy time for me, but really it wasn't that bad...all things considered.
This is where things got a little murky, it all happened so quickly, it left my mind in a spin. I felt too lucky, like maybe I should have suffered more or something.
It's difficult to explain, my mind was still stuck in 'oh my god I have cancer mode', and I had all the feels - sad, cranky, confused etc - but I actually didn't have cancer anymore. Trust me, I was extremely happy about this, but my emotional being just hadn't caught up. But how could it?
That is a lot to take on regardless of how well it turned out.
But I felt churlish so feeling bad when, I was actually ok.
It took a lot of time to sort out those feelings, and I realised - with the help of my amazing therapist - that I just have to go with those feelings and not fight them, if I was sad - be sad, cranky - be cranky. Yes, I might not have cancer anymore, but I needed to catch up and just embrace what was going on. The more I tried to fight these - to me, silly feelings - the worse I was going to be.
And so I did.
The day I went back to work I found out I would need radiation. I was almost pleased in a way - yeah, I know how it sounds - because it would possibly make things feel real. Be careful what you wish for, as they say...not that I wished for this...no, not at all.
I felt like this period in between operation and radiation was like treading water, again, I felt resistance. Again, I realised I had to go with what was going on. It was an extremely difficult time mentally. Trying to be on at work, and not think too much about the path ahead. Also knowing that physically I was almost mended and the radiation would pretty much undo all of that.
Once the radiation started, I juggled work and treatment - many do - and it worked ok. I was feeling great, it seemed like a walk in the park and I had caught up mentally. I was nearly there.
By the third week of treatment I started to really tire. So I finished up work, and things really started to unravel. I knew all the side effects etc etc but things had been going so well, I guess it didn't really sink in.
By the end of week four, I was a mess physically. My skin has completely broken down, it hurt, it weeped, it sometimes bled. I had to learn how to dress the wounds. They were around my breast, and mostly under my arm. It was not pretty. As week 5 hit, showering and dressing the wounds was beyond painful. This was the worst pain I had felt in my life. I cried through every shower and dressing. And each day my poor skin got worse and worse.
I thought to myself, how do people with actual burns from fire cope with their pain. They must be beside themselves. Obviously they get strong pain killers, but still. So the whole 'it could be worse', was what kept me going. But I also allowed myself to be sorry for myself. Because this also helped me. It was ok to cry, and scream, and swear. It was ok to just sit and do nothing because being physically still didn't hurt. It was ok to get cranky and then wail, wondering if any man would ever want to look at me naked again.
But then, I started to heal. The body is an amazing thing. It took a while, much longer than I realised or I wanted. But again, this was a ride I just had to take, I couldn't fight it, I just had to be. Listen to my body and take stock.
I have no wounds, everything is healed. There are two scars from the operation, both fading slowly. The skin where the burns were are a myriad of colours, from pasty white and new, to browny, to pink and a few little scars. Again, they will all fade in time. And you know, if they do not, that is ok too.
Better than being dead.
And that is what cancer does - even a teeny one like mine, it makes you face death. And that is fucking scary. I cannot begin to tell you the thoughts I have had, the places I have gone to, even now it is gone.
More so, now it is gone. Cause there will always be that thing at the back of my head...will it come back, there or elsewhere. You hear these stories so many times, I guess I know at some point it probably will.
But I just try not to think about that...too much. Otherwise I would never get out of bed each day. It would be too much.
It is too much.
I spoke to my GP last week, what else can I do to keep tabs on things. Nothing, she said, you are doing everything you can already. The radiation has placed me back on a level playing field with everyone else. I know that should make me feel positive and happy - and it does. But it cannot remove that fear. Nothing ever will. I just need to trust my body and hope I remain lucky for a little while longer.
Most days I do not even think about it, I have gotten really really good at decompartmentalising.
But sometimes I do...and maybe that is not a bad thing.
It makes me want to be the best me, live the best life for me, do what I want, be who I want to be.
I have had so much time to think while I have been recuperating. This period has been 7 weeks!
I have learnt to listen to my gut and my body and my emotions, and just not fight them.
I have learnt to be still and just be.
I have learnt to let go.
I have learnt to slow down.
I have learnt to say no.
I have learnt to be better at being in the moment, processing what is happening around me and giving my all to what is happening.
I have sort of lost my ability to multi task, and I hope that stays that way.
I have learnt that it is ok when everything is crazy and pumping around you, not to get caught up in that and just keep going to the beat of your own drum, no matter how slow that may feel.
I have learnt I am far stronger than I ever thought I was.
And yet, far more fragile than I ever thought I was.
And that I can be strong AND fragile simultaneously.
I cry more than I ever did ...which is kinda funny, cause I was a bit of a crier anyway.
And I laugh and smile more than I ever did, cause the little things just amuse me.
But all of these things - and probably more - are minor. I think you will find me much the same that you always did. I like me, I don't need to outwardly change too much. But inwardly I needed to make some huge changes.
Mostly I just needed to be kinder to myself. I am my own worst critic, I think we all are to ourselves. And we just shouldn't. I try to do too much to prove my worth...to whom...people who don't even fucking get it or appreciate or even thank me. The people who truly love and appreciate me don't need me to prove anything. They love me anyway. And this past five months has really shown me who these people are and how very much I am loved.
I cannot thank you all enough - and you know who you are - for the love, the messages, the phone calls, the texts, the visits, the flowers, the presents, and just being there, listening to me or telling me things to help me escape mentally. The love was real and unexpected - which sounds weird, cause you know you are loved, but the outpouring was overwhelmingly magnificent.
And I am certain it helped me get through this.
I head back to work tomorrow, a little anxious, I haven't been there for 7 weeks. I will still be a little tired, how much have I forgotten, can I catch up? Well, I guess I will try and keep my zen and slowly work my way back.
My life gets to resume again, I get to do stuff, go to work, go out, and try to return to normal, whatever that was, cause normal feels like it has shifted somewhat. And I am not quite sure what that - normal - will feel like.
Life will be much the same I do think, but with a learning curve of trying to keep my zen, add back in the good components, remove the bad, and keep balanced with a lot of still and just being.
I don't think I have turned into one of 'those people', OMG, this has completely changed my life. But you cannot go through what I have without feeling a shift of sorts, and really that can only be a good thing.
Today was my last day of the experience, although I guess I will keep mending for a while longer. I headed out for an appointment and then went to the beach for lunch.
And something amazing happened, that helped me close off this experience, the cancer period, the journey, whatever.
When I first found out I had cancer, early that week I had the most extraordinary dream.
Yeah, I know...but please bare with me!!!
It was late at night and I was swimming at Merewether Baths. I often swim at night there, but not by myself and not that late. Also Merewether Baths is where I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, my grandmother who died too young of cancer, and my grandfather, Pop, who also died of cancer, but at the ripe age of 80. This is my touchstone to them, going there for a swim.
So in this dream I felt Pop's presence. I was right near the ocean part of the baths, where there are rockpools etc, but in my dream, something caught my eye, and it was a pod of whales. Their heads bobbing above the water, just looking at me with their large eyes. At first I felt scared, but I could feel they meant me no harm. So I got out of the water and stood on the little boardwalk between us and watched. These were regular hump backs, but then a huge Killer Whale lept out the water, looked me in the eye and gave that kinda creepy smile that Orcas have and the disappeared.
I woke up feeling freaked out and yet strangely comforted.
And that dream has remained as real to me ever since.
It took me a whole day to look up the meaning.
So whales in dreams represent a big change in your life, strength and spirituality, and signify everything is and will be ok. And Orcas in dreams mean family, longevity, romance, harmony, travel, community, and protection, and bringing you home when the time comes.
I've kept that dream with me throughout this experience.
And every time I have headed to the beach - which has been a lot - I have been chasing these whales, but not seen a single one!
Today, I pulled up at Nobbys, parked a little way away. As soon as I got out the car I saw a whale breach, and stood there for a long time just watching a huge pod frolic and breach and stick their tales out. They were too far away to capture on film, but good enough to see. Two outside of the pack, and a small pack or pod following. I cried like a baby.
My experience had come full circle, they had delivered me home safe.
And I was ready to embrace full life again.
I was lucky, and I will never forget how lucky I was.
It was a quick turn around, exactly a month to that date, 20 March, I found out all was a-ok. The cancer was gone, the 2cm zone around it was cancer free and also gone and the lymph taken was also cancer free.
I cannot begin to tell you the relief, all I had to do was rest and let my wounds heal.
And so I did, it wasn't an easy time for me, but really it wasn't that bad...all things considered.
This is where things got a little murky, it all happened so quickly, it left my mind in a spin. I felt too lucky, like maybe I should have suffered more or something.
It's difficult to explain, my mind was still stuck in 'oh my god I have cancer mode', and I had all the feels - sad, cranky, confused etc - but I actually didn't have cancer anymore. Trust me, I was extremely happy about this, but my emotional being just hadn't caught up. But how could it?
That is a lot to take on regardless of how well it turned out.
But I felt churlish so feeling bad when, I was actually ok.
It took a lot of time to sort out those feelings, and I realised - with the help of my amazing therapist - that I just have to go with those feelings and not fight them, if I was sad - be sad, cranky - be cranky. Yes, I might not have cancer anymore, but I needed to catch up and just embrace what was going on. The more I tried to fight these - to me, silly feelings - the worse I was going to be.
And so I did.
The day I went back to work I found out I would need radiation. I was almost pleased in a way - yeah, I know how it sounds - because it would possibly make things feel real. Be careful what you wish for, as they say...not that I wished for this...no, not at all.
I felt like this period in between operation and radiation was like treading water, again, I felt resistance. Again, I realised I had to go with what was going on. It was an extremely difficult time mentally. Trying to be on at work, and not think too much about the path ahead. Also knowing that physically I was almost mended and the radiation would pretty much undo all of that.
Once the radiation started, I juggled work and treatment - many do - and it worked ok. I was feeling great, it seemed like a walk in the park and I had caught up mentally. I was nearly there.
By the third week of treatment I started to really tire. So I finished up work, and things really started to unravel. I knew all the side effects etc etc but things had been going so well, I guess it didn't really sink in.
By the end of week four, I was a mess physically. My skin has completely broken down, it hurt, it weeped, it sometimes bled. I had to learn how to dress the wounds. They were around my breast, and mostly under my arm. It was not pretty. As week 5 hit, showering and dressing the wounds was beyond painful. This was the worst pain I had felt in my life. I cried through every shower and dressing. And each day my poor skin got worse and worse.
I thought to myself, how do people with actual burns from fire cope with their pain. They must be beside themselves. Obviously they get strong pain killers, but still. So the whole 'it could be worse', was what kept me going. But I also allowed myself to be sorry for myself. Because this also helped me. It was ok to cry, and scream, and swear. It was ok to just sit and do nothing because being physically still didn't hurt. It was ok to get cranky and then wail, wondering if any man would ever want to look at me naked again.
But then, I started to heal. The body is an amazing thing. It took a while, much longer than I realised or I wanted. But again, this was a ride I just had to take, I couldn't fight it, I just had to be. Listen to my body and take stock.
I have no wounds, everything is healed. There are two scars from the operation, both fading slowly. The skin where the burns were are a myriad of colours, from pasty white and new, to browny, to pink and a few little scars. Again, they will all fade in time. And you know, if they do not, that is ok too.
Better than being dead.
And that is what cancer does - even a teeny one like mine, it makes you face death. And that is fucking scary. I cannot begin to tell you the thoughts I have had, the places I have gone to, even now it is gone.
More so, now it is gone. Cause there will always be that thing at the back of my head...will it come back, there or elsewhere. You hear these stories so many times, I guess I know at some point it probably will.
But I just try not to think about that...too much. Otherwise I would never get out of bed each day. It would be too much.
It is too much.
I spoke to my GP last week, what else can I do to keep tabs on things. Nothing, she said, you are doing everything you can already. The radiation has placed me back on a level playing field with everyone else. I know that should make me feel positive and happy - and it does. But it cannot remove that fear. Nothing ever will. I just need to trust my body and hope I remain lucky for a little while longer.
Most days I do not even think about it, I have gotten really really good at decompartmentalising.
But sometimes I do...and maybe that is not a bad thing.
It makes me want to be the best me, live the best life for me, do what I want, be who I want to be.
I have had so much time to think while I have been recuperating. This period has been 7 weeks!
I have learnt to listen to my gut and my body and my emotions, and just not fight them.
I have learnt to be still and just be.
I have learnt to let go.
I have learnt to slow down.
I have learnt to say no.
I have learnt to be better at being in the moment, processing what is happening around me and giving my all to what is happening.
I have sort of lost my ability to multi task, and I hope that stays that way.
I have learnt that it is ok when everything is crazy and pumping around you, not to get caught up in that and just keep going to the beat of your own drum, no matter how slow that may feel.
I have learnt I am far stronger than I ever thought I was.
And yet, far more fragile than I ever thought I was.
And that I can be strong AND fragile simultaneously.
I cry more than I ever did ...which is kinda funny, cause I was a bit of a crier anyway.
And I laugh and smile more than I ever did, cause the little things just amuse me.
But all of these things - and probably more - are minor. I think you will find me much the same that you always did. I like me, I don't need to outwardly change too much. But inwardly I needed to make some huge changes.
Mostly I just needed to be kinder to myself. I am my own worst critic, I think we all are to ourselves. And we just shouldn't. I try to do too much to prove my worth...to whom...people who don't even fucking get it or appreciate or even thank me. The people who truly love and appreciate me don't need me to prove anything. They love me anyway. And this past five months has really shown me who these people are and how very much I am loved.
I cannot thank you all enough - and you know who you are - for the love, the messages, the phone calls, the texts, the visits, the flowers, the presents, and just being there, listening to me or telling me things to help me escape mentally. The love was real and unexpected - which sounds weird, cause you know you are loved, but the outpouring was overwhelmingly magnificent.
And I am certain it helped me get through this.
I head back to work tomorrow, a little anxious, I haven't been there for 7 weeks. I will still be a little tired, how much have I forgotten, can I catch up? Well, I guess I will try and keep my zen and slowly work my way back.
My life gets to resume again, I get to do stuff, go to work, go out, and try to return to normal, whatever that was, cause normal feels like it has shifted somewhat. And I am not quite sure what that - normal - will feel like.
Life will be much the same I do think, but with a learning curve of trying to keep my zen, add back in the good components, remove the bad, and keep balanced with a lot of still and just being.
I don't think I have turned into one of 'those people', OMG, this has completely changed my life. But you cannot go through what I have without feeling a shift of sorts, and really that can only be a good thing.
Today was my last day of the experience, although I guess I will keep mending for a while longer. I headed out for an appointment and then went to the beach for lunch.
And something amazing happened, that helped me close off this experience, the cancer period, the journey, whatever.
When I first found out I had cancer, early that week I had the most extraordinary dream.
Yeah, I know...but please bare with me!!!
It was late at night and I was swimming at Merewether Baths. I often swim at night there, but not by myself and not that late. Also Merewether Baths is where I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, my grandmother who died too young of cancer, and my grandfather, Pop, who also died of cancer, but at the ripe age of 80. This is my touchstone to them, going there for a swim.
So in this dream I felt Pop's presence. I was right near the ocean part of the baths, where there are rockpools etc, but in my dream, something caught my eye, and it was a pod of whales. Their heads bobbing above the water, just looking at me with their large eyes. At first I felt scared, but I could feel they meant me no harm. So I got out of the water and stood on the little boardwalk between us and watched. These were regular hump backs, but then a huge Killer Whale lept out the water, looked me in the eye and gave that kinda creepy smile that Orcas have and the disappeared.
I woke up feeling freaked out and yet strangely comforted.
And that dream has remained as real to me ever since.
It took me a whole day to look up the meaning.
So whales in dreams represent a big change in your life, strength and spirituality, and signify everything is and will be ok. And Orcas in dreams mean family, longevity, romance, harmony, travel, community, and protection, and bringing you home when the time comes.
I've kept that dream with me throughout this experience.
And every time I have headed to the beach - which has been a lot - I have been chasing these whales, but not seen a single one!
Today, I pulled up at Nobbys, parked a little way away. As soon as I got out the car I saw a whale breach, and stood there for a long time just watching a huge pod frolic and breach and stick their tales out. They were too far away to capture on film, but good enough to see. Two outside of the pack, and a small pack or pod following. I cried like a baby.
My experience had come full circle, they had delivered me home safe.
And I was ready to embrace full life again.
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