Most of my plans for 2018 fell apart when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
I had to be still, be patient, be a patient, and just rest. This meant a lot of my plans and ideas were left unattended. I spent a lot of time couching it. I had to.
So my main goals for 2018 of better health and consolidating my finances, were thrown completely out the window. Being sick is expensive...sigh...although thanks to Mr Whitlam and medicare not as expensive as it could have been!
Obviously I am hoping for a more healthy 2019 and I would say I am 80% there. I am feeling really great, but my legs and kidneys are still infected, my lungs are still so so, and I still get tired...although nowhere near as much.
And sadly sitting on my arse all year meant a little weight gain. But I am not going to be one of those douchbags talking about that 'journey'. I will do the best I can, when I can. One thing at a time.
It's funny having survived last year I keep thinking I should be tackling big things and throwing every second at life in a big way, but I don't think going down that path is right for me just now.
So really I am just hoping for a simple year. Nothing too taxing, or out of the ordinary. No dramas, just basic and simple.
I am going to strive for a balance of Be Still/Flaneur.
Which means I need to ensure I get my rest and relax, that is to say, Be Still. This can be at home, under a tree looking at the clouds, at a cafe. Flaneur is a French word for wandering/exploring and observing the world. So heading to cities or suburbs, going for a walk, getting some exercise, and seeing what there is to be seen. I love doing that. Usually camera in hand.
More music is a given, this was my savior last year. Choir and singing for sure. Spending more time on my instruments, especially now I have a keyboard. And going to more live gigs.
So 2019 will be about the little things, and counting my blessings. I have been so lucky to have dodged the cancer bullet, I just want peace and happiness. I want to be there for everyone, like they were for me. I just want to potter around as I wish, with no stress and problems.
I will be keeping things simple, whilst taking any opportunity afforded to me, and staying still and zen.
The only big thing I wish for is a nice little holiday somewhere lovely, when I feel 100%, when I know things are back on track healthwise and with work, and when I can afford it.
Of course, there is always my love life...huge sigh. I will be back dating at some point this year. I am a very strong, and independent feminist, but if this past year has taught me anything, it has taught me whilst I can do stuff solo and get through it a-ok, it would be really really nice to have someone there who always has your back. Without a doubt last year would have been infinitely easier if I had that. But no point looking back at disappointment, poor romantic choices and weak 'men', as I am all for looking forward to what may come.
So I am hoping 2019 will be all of this, but it may not work out that way. And that is ok too, last year has taught me more patience than I ever had and to realise that sometimes you just need to take the ride, take it a day at a time, and try not to overthink everything. You will get there!
So whatever happens, I am here to experience it, good, bad or otherwise. And that is such a magnificent thing, I can only smile.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Monday, December 31, 2018
2018 - an unexpected year!
2018 was quite the year!!!!
It did not go according to plan but what years ever do!?!
Well this one was quite the ride and, depending on how you look at it, 2018 was the worst year of my life or the best.
I had a lot of shit go down this year, there is no pleasant way to put it. But hey, it is December 31 and I am here writing about it all, so to survive all the shit is rather extraordinary. Hence despite it all, it is probably the best year of my life!!!
And I guess it all depends on whether you are a glass half full or half empty person. Don't you just hate those phrases? I do. I am a how much more can I fit in my glass gal, always have been. Just call me Veruca Salt, I want it all and I want it now...in a nice way of course!! But there have been many moments of half empty and half full this year depending on my mood and my health, which I guess is understandable! But I am getting ahead of myself...let's start at the beginning, cause it was a really, really good beginning. Possibly the best NYE of my life. Maybe when you start that high, the only way is down.
I started the year in Hawaii, with my sisters, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece. It was glorious, we shopped, swam, rested, ate, drank, saw sights, walked, and just soaked up the brilliance that is Hawaii. I have never really been a resorty/beach kind of holiday person but it was perfect and just what I needed. I came home feeling more relaxed and zen than I ever had in my life. I will return.
After that life continued one, busy at work, busy socially, the usual until I was stopped - dare I say - dead in my tracks.
It was only 7 weeks into the year when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Boom! What a shock! So that has been my focus this year sadly. However it was not all bad, I was operated on and cancer free within a month exactly! So incredibly lucky. But the treatment was worse than the cure, and it laid me up for some months. Then due to the radiation and my immunity being compromised I had a throat infection which led to a bad leg infection and then a kidney infection, all of which delayed any recovery significantly.
Given the early resolution, I barely got my head around the fact I had cancer and then it was gone. But the fact death - albeit fleetingly - passed me by has not gone by unnoticed. It has been a factor in a lot of my life this year. I had some moments of extreme lowness, mentally and physically. Because despite not having cancer anymore, the radiation made me really very very sick. But as the year ends I am feeling better than I have in a long time, not quite at pre-cancer health but very close. You can read all about it here, here, and here.
I wrote a lot about the experience, because it really helped me process what was happening, because I was lucky and it felt important to document everything, and mostly because I wanted to educate those around me. I am sure it irritated a lot of people, although that certainly was not my intent. People do not want to hear about other's bad shit. They want to stay in their bubble of goodness, and I don't blame them one bit. But shit happens to all of us at some point, directly or indirectly. Best to wise up and then it won't such a shock. Sounds, harsh I guess, but life can be harsh. But that doesn't mean it has to be dour. I really tried to keep a positive approach to the ups and downs, and I think this helped me a lot. I also kept it real. It was a weird balance, but it worked and it helped.
So it you didn't get the message, please check your breasts, or those of your partner, this is why I kept going on about it all this year, to educate that these things can be easily fixed, if you catch them early, you should be as lucky as me!
The experience or journey (aren't both those words just awful in relation to bad shit) taught me a lot. I would not say I am a changed person, but internally there has been a shift. Most of what I learnt I already knew, but did not really do so well.
And of course my whole year wasn't about Cancer, even thought it might seem that way!
Work was quite incredible this year, I had more sick leave than I had ever had and had all up quite a few months off. But to assist with my recovery I moved into a special project position at Library HQ at Speers Point, near to where I live. I would not have gotten through any of this had I been in the more physical job of working in a branch. Of course, after managing Swansea Library for 12 years I missed it and my lovely team there terribly. However the pressure of managing people (which as lovely as people can be, can also be stressful) and a branch and such was one less thing to worry about. My projects were important, but I was all over them, and whilst there were a lot of meetings with management, I had time to do them well, and mostly just me to worry about. So it was a really good move. However, all this means I am in a temporary position while we are being restructured and it looks highly likely I will not return to Swansea, and therefore my future is uncertain. I am hoping that my good working track record will hold me in good stead, but mostly trying not to think about it for the sake of my mental health. Much like Cancer, I cannot change anything, but go with it and hope for the best!
Whilst I spent most of the year on the couch resting and recovering and pretty much sleeping my life away, but I did manage to get a few lovely things in.
I had a great time at Newcastle Writers Festival this year, I always do. But there were some extra super sessions, and I was just starting to heal from my surgery and ran into loads of people who I knew and felt the love and it all felt wonderful. I headed to Melbourne for a holiday in August, my sister had just moved there, and had a weekend in Sydney with my bestie. I might have been sick, but i timed these kind of things well, in times I was feeling a bit better.
I didn't get to many gigs, but the ones I did see were high quality.
Bob Dylan
Belle and Sebastian
John Paul Young
The White Album Concert
Kate Miller-Heidke
It did not go according to plan but what years ever do!?!
Well this one was quite the ride and, depending on how you look at it, 2018 was the worst year of my life or the best.
I had a lot of shit go down this year, there is no pleasant way to put it. But hey, it is December 31 and I am here writing about it all, so to survive all the shit is rather extraordinary. Hence despite it all, it is probably the best year of my life!!!
And I guess it all depends on whether you are a glass half full or half empty person. Don't you just hate those phrases? I do. I am a how much more can I fit in my glass gal, always have been. Just call me Veruca Salt, I want it all and I want it now...in a nice way of course!! But there have been many moments of half empty and half full this year depending on my mood and my health, which I guess is understandable! But I am getting ahead of myself...let's start at the beginning, cause it was a really, really good beginning. Possibly the best NYE of my life. Maybe when you start that high, the only way is down.
I started the year in Hawaii, with my sisters, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece. It was glorious, we shopped, swam, rested, ate, drank, saw sights, walked, and just soaked up the brilliance that is Hawaii. I have never really been a resorty/beach kind of holiday person but it was perfect and just what I needed. I came home feeling more relaxed and zen than I ever had in my life. I will return.
After that life continued one, busy at work, busy socially, the usual until I was stopped - dare I say - dead in my tracks.
It was only 7 weeks into the year when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Boom! What a shock! So that has been my focus this year sadly. However it was not all bad, I was operated on and cancer free within a month exactly! So incredibly lucky. But the treatment was worse than the cure, and it laid me up for some months. Then due to the radiation and my immunity being compromised I had a throat infection which led to a bad leg infection and then a kidney infection, all of which delayed any recovery significantly.
Given the early resolution, I barely got my head around the fact I had cancer and then it was gone. But the fact death - albeit fleetingly - passed me by has not gone by unnoticed. It has been a factor in a lot of my life this year. I had some moments of extreme lowness, mentally and physically. Because despite not having cancer anymore, the radiation made me really very very sick. But as the year ends I am feeling better than I have in a long time, not quite at pre-cancer health but very close. You can read all about it here, here, and here.
I wrote a lot about the experience, because it really helped me process what was happening, because I was lucky and it felt important to document everything, and mostly because I wanted to educate those around me. I am sure it irritated a lot of people, although that certainly was not my intent. People do not want to hear about other's bad shit. They want to stay in their bubble of goodness, and I don't blame them one bit. But shit happens to all of us at some point, directly or indirectly. Best to wise up and then it won't such a shock. Sounds, harsh I guess, but life can be harsh. But that doesn't mean it has to be dour. I really tried to keep a positive approach to the ups and downs, and I think this helped me a lot. I also kept it real. It was a weird balance, but it worked and it helped.
So it you didn't get the message, please check your breasts, or those of your partner, this is why I kept going on about it all this year, to educate that these things can be easily fixed, if you catch them early, you should be as lucky as me!
The experience or journey (aren't both those words just awful in relation to bad shit) taught me a lot. I would not say I am a changed person, but internally there has been a shift. Most of what I learnt I already knew, but did not really do so well.
- Patience - I have never had patience, but I had no option but to be patient with this, could not change a thing. I had to go at the pace of the illness and I managed ok. I wouldn't say I am now super patient, but I sure have more patience than I used to.
- Let It Be - I have learned to let things be. There is a lot in life you cannot change and there if not point getting worked up over it. I was never really that person, now I am still not that person, but I am much much better at just letting things go.
- Don't Overthink it - much the same as let it be, but as a Librarian, research and knowing stuff is my thing. I realised early on, knowing too much about my situation was not worth it. I decided, especially when it seemed this would have a good outcome, that I would just listen to what the Doctor's told me and believe them and go with it. I knew just enough to get me through each step. It saved a lot of additional anxiety and stress.
- Ask for Help - I am a very very independent person, I always have been. I rarely ask for help. But it came a point I had to ask for help and I did. Reflecting back, I should have asked for even more. Please never feel bad about asking for help. If you need help, ask away. People are kinder than you imagine. This also means seeing a therapist, something I encourage everyone to do, and something that helped me with a lot of these things listed here.
- Get over FOMO - I never really had the Fear of Missing Out until this year. SO much I wanted to do that I did not have the energy to do, so much I missed out on. At first I was really upset and cranky about this, over time I just let it go and things felt better. You cannot do it all, even if you are well. Just do what works for you at the time and makes you happy.
- Everyone is different - loads of family and friends came to the party, and were outstanding and helpful and wonderful. Others not so much, and that's ok. It didn't mean they didn't care or didn't want to, it was more they were stuck. As mentioned above, some people do not cope with bad shit. And I totally get it. I never judged those that held back. Leigh Sales' has just written a book about this called Any Ordinary Day, where she investigates people who have been through really horrible shit (worse than me, far worse than me) and how they coped and how those around them coped. Every single one of them had stories of those that avoided them or they didn't hear from. Every single one of them said it was ok. But the collective advice, is you will not make things worse, you will not make things better, but just be there. Even if you turn up and say and do nothing and just sit by my side. That is all. Or bring food, that always helps. Or as I said to a few of my friends who were struggling, pretend like nothing is wrong, just talk to me or message me as you normally would, tell me what is going on in your life. I needed the distraction. Having people ghost or ignore you is actually worse, so don't do that!
- Love - There is so much love in people. It shone through, it made me cry and made me smile. It still does, the love of everyone I know got me through this as much as amazing medicine. It brings me to my knees thinking of it, it always will and it will never ever be forgotten.
- Emotions ( an aside) - my emotions have been severely heightened since all of this. If I am sad, it feels sadder than normal, crankier, happier, more chilled etc. How long this will last I have no idea, but I do not consider it a bad thing.
- Love and live my life - I spent a lot of this year on hold. It needed to be that way. It got me there in the long run. I am slowly getting back into regular life and once I am properly mended and healed look out!! I have a lot of living to do. I have always lived my life fully, I have always been about experiences and learning. I want to experience more and learn more. I want to fully explore this wonderful world, close to home and over seas. I am not wasting this renewed opportunity, believe me.
- Be Still and Dream - I had no choice but to be still a lot of this year and it gave me a lot of time to contemplate life and all the things I have written here. I dreamed and day dreamed and thought. I have always done this to a certain degree and hope I will always continue to do so. It helps me relax, it helps me create, it helps me continue on to the next thing, it helps me with ideas, it clears my very full brain, and it helps me be me.
I know this is a lot but you cannot go through a year like I have without learning a lot. I hope some of it helps some of you. At the very least get yourself checked out (or felt up if you will!) and know it is ok not to know what to do or say when someone is going through something shitty, just please don't ignore them, now that makes them feel bad!!!
And of course my whole year wasn't about Cancer, even thought it might seem that way!
Work was quite incredible this year, I had more sick leave than I had ever had and had all up quite a few months off. But to assist with my recovery I moved into a special project position at Library HQ at Speers Point, near to where I live. I would not have gotten through any of this had I been in the more physical job of working in a branch. Of course, after managing Swansea Library for 12 years I missed it and my lovely team there terribly. However the pressure of managing people (which as lovely as people can be, can also be stressful) and a branch and such was one less thing to worry about. My projects were important, but I was all over them, and whilst there were a lot of meetings with management, I had time to do them well, and mostly just me to worry about. So it was a really good move. However, all this means I am in a temporary position while we are being restructured and it looks highly likely I will not return to Swansea, and therefore my future is uncertain. I am hoping that my good working track record will hold me in good stead, but mostly trying not to think about it for the sake of my mental health. Much like Cancer, I cannot change anything, but go with it and hope for the best!
Whilst I spent most of the year on the couch resting and recovering and pretty much sleeping my life away, but I did manage to get a few lovely things in.
I had a great time at Newcastle Writers Festival this year, I always do. But there were some extra super sessions, and I was just starting to heal from my surgery and ran into loads of people who I knew and felt the love and it all felt wonderful. I headed to Melbourne for a holiday in August, my sister had just moved there, and had a weekend in Sydney with my bestie. I might have been sick, but i timed these kind of things well, in times I was feeling a bit better.
I didn't get to many gigs, but the ones I did see were high quality.
Bob Dylan
Belle and Sebastian
John Paul Young
The White Album Concert
Kate Miller-Heidke
I saw some great art at Sydney Art Gallery, NGV, ACMI, Newcastle Art Gallery, and Maitland Art Gallery.
I even managed to participate in Kate Bush Day, which is always a joy.
I kept up my fortnightly routine of visiting the Lake Macquarie Farmers Markets, the odd dinner out, plenty of family love, and some photography. These little routines helped me move through some of the rougher periods.
While I was off sick I spent a fair bit of time at Nobbys, sitting in the sun, having brunch, looking for whales. This was all part of my recovery. Water, book, sunshine, whales, and the best strawberry milkshakes!!!
Whilst I had many many months away, the times I spent at Choir and in the later part of the year, One Song Sing, were indeed the most fruitful and important in terms of my recovery mentally. I don't know where I would have been this year without my music. It is the only thing in my life at present that feels exactly right. The joy it brings me leaves me wordless. The people I sing with are gorgeous friends, the songs are a sheer delight, the endorphins it releases cannot be denied. When everything felt like shit, I always had my music.
So I can look at this year of being the worst of my life because at times it was. But I am a tough old broad, and I'd rather look at it as one of my best. Because I got through it all, I am here to write about it, whine about it, and smile about it. Because as much as there was so much to whine about, there was much more to smile about.
So my Top Ten Moments of this year are:
1. Cancer is gone/I don't have serious kidney disease - I cannot begin to explain the joy of both of those Specialist appointments!!!!
2. My beautiful family and friends and the support and love given to me during the entire year - this could fill out the top ten in and of itself!
3. Performing with my choir at Town Hall for the Ukulele Festival AND One Song Sing at the Ukulele Festival, Somebody to Love - I was moved to tears on more than one occasion that glorious afternoon.
4. Seeing Whales on the final day of my sick leave after so many visits to Nobbys without seeing any.
5. Hawaii - what a beautiful place with beautiful people.
6. Bob Dylan live - the master.
7. White Album Concert - unexpectedly perfect
8. Receiving my Jeff Goldblum towel - sometimes it's the little things, the silly things and the love and intent behind the gift!
9. Reading Insomniac City - the most beautiful book read right when I needed to read it, during a harrowing period of my life.
10. Watching The Marvelous Mrs Maisel - Never have I felt such joy watching something than that first episode (and the rest of course) of television!
So NYE is here, and I will spend time with myself, much like most of the year. I am pretty good company, I have my favourite champagne from Peterson's Champagne House, Nachos and Eton Mess to wine and dine on. I have my music, a good jigsaw, and the last few episodes of Mrs Maisel to watch. I might be by myself, which does make me a little melancholy, but I am here to do whatever pleases me. I am trying not to reflect on what I do not have but what I do have. Sure the love of a decent man would be lovely, but I guess I have been lucky enough this year, maybe save that for next year. And I have so very much it seems churlish to even feel remotely melancholy.
Whatever you are up to, please embrace your loved ones, be grateful for your good health and all the beauty in your life. And know that I am so very blessed to know you, to be loved by you, and that love is returned in abundance.
See ya next year!!!!!!!
I even managed to participate in Kate Bush Day, which is always a joy.
I kept up my fortnightly routine of visiting the Lake Macquarie Farmers Markets, the odd dinner out, plenty of family love, and some photography. These little routines helped me move through some of the rougher periods.
While I was off sick I spent a fair bit of time at Nobbys, sitting in the sun, having brunch, looking for whales. This was all part of my recovery. Water, book, sunshine, whales, and the best strawberry milkshakes!!!
Whilst I had many many months away, the times I spent at Choir and in the later part of the year, One Song Sing, were indeed the most fruitful and important in terms of my recovery mentally. I don't know where I would have been this year without my music. It is the only thing in my life at present that feels exactly right. The joy it brings me leaves me wordless. The people I sing with are gorgeous friends, the songs are a sheer delight, the endorphins it releases cannot be denied. When everything felt like shit, I always had my music.
So I can look at this year of being the worst of my life because at times it was. But I am a tough old broad, and I'd rather look at it as one of my best. Because I got through it all, I am here to write about it, whine about it, and smile about it. Because as much as there was so much to whine about, there was much more to smile about.
So my Top Ten Moments of this year are:
1. Cancer is gone/I don't have serious kidney disease - I cannot begin to explain the joy of both of those Specialist appointments!!!!
2. My beautiful family and friends and the support and love given to me during the entire year - this could fill out the top ten in and of itself!
3. Performing with my choir at Town Hall for the Ukulele Festival AND One Song Sing at the Ukulele Festival, Somebody to Love - I was moved to tears on more than one occasion that glorious afternoon.
4. Seeing Whales on the final day of my sick leave after so many visits to Nobbys without seeing any.
5. Hawaii - what a beautiful place with beautiful people.
6. Bob Dylan live - the master.
7. White Album Concert - unexpectedly perfect
8. Receiving my Jeff Goldblum towel - sometimes it's the little things, the silly things and the love and intent behind the gift!
9. Reading Insomniac City - the most beautiful book read right when I needed to read it, during a harrowing period of my life.
10. Watching The Marvelous Mrs Maisel - Never have I felt such joy watching something than that first episode (and the rest of course) of television!
So NYE is here, and I will spend time with myself, much like most of the year. I am pretty good company, I have my favourite champagne from Peterson's Champagne House, Nachos and Eton Mess to wine and dine on. I have my music, a good jigsaw, and the last few episodes of Mrs Maisel to watch. I might be by myself, which does make me a little melancholy, but I am here to do whatever pleases me. I am trying not to reflect on what I do not have but what I do have. Sure the love of a decent man would be lovely, but I guess I have been lucky enough this year, maybe save that for next year. And I have so very much it seems churlish to even feel remotely melancholy.
Whatever you are up to, please embrace your loved ones, be grateful for your good health and all the beauty in your life. And know that I am so very blessed to know you, to be loved by you, and that love is returned in abundance.
See ya next year!!!!!!!
Monday, July 16, 2018
FIVE MONTHS LATER
Almost five months ago, on Tuesday 20 February I had a Breast checkup that found a lump and that lump, little as it was, was cancerous.
And then I didn't!!!
I was lucky, and I will never forget how lucky I was.
It was a quick turn around, exactly a month to that date, 20 March, I found out all was a-ok. The cancer was gone, the 2cm zone around it was cancer free and also gone and the lymph taken was also cancer free.
I cannot begin to tell you the relief, all I had to do was rest and let my wounds heal.
And so I did, it wasn't an easy time for me, but really it wasn't that bad...all things considered.
This is where things got a little murky, it all happened so quickly, it left my mind in a spin. I felt too lucky, like maybe I should have suffered more or something.
It's difficult to explain, my mind was still stuck in 'oh my god I have cancer mode', and I had all the feels - sad, cranky, confused etc - but I actually didn't have cancer anymore. Trust me, I was extremely happy about this, but my emotional being just hadn't caught up. But how could it?
That is a lot to take on regardless of how well it turned out.
But I felt churlish so feeling bad when, I was actually ok.
It took a lot of time to sort out those feelings, and I realised - with the help of my amazing therapist - that I just have to go with those feelings and not fight them, if I was sad - be sad, cranky - be cranky. Yes, I might not have cancer anymore, but I needed to catch up and just embrace what was going on. The more I tried to fight these - to me, silly feelings - the worse I was going to be.
And so I did.
The day I went back to work I found out I would need radiation. I was almost pleased in a way - yeah, I know how it sounds - because it would possibly make things feel real. Be careful what you wish for, as they say...not that I wished for this...no, not at all.
I felt like this period in between operation and radiation was like treading water, again, I felt resistance. Again, I realised I had to go with what was going on. It was an extremely difficult time mentally. Trying to be on at work, and not think too much about the path ahead. Also knowing that physically I was almost mended and the radiation would pretty much undo all of that.
Once the radiation started, I juggled work and treatment - many do - and it worked ok. I was feeling great, it seemed like a walk in the park and I had caught up mentally. I was nearly there.
By the third week of treatment I started to really tire. So I finished up work, and things really started to unravel. I knew all the side effects etc etc but things had been going so well, I guess it didn't really sink in.
By the end of week four, I was a mess physically. My skin has completely broken down, it hurt, it weeped, it sometimes bled. I had to learn how to dress the wounds. They were around my breast, and mostly under my arm. It was not pretty. As week 5 hit, showering and dressing the wounds was beyond painful. This was the worst pain I had felt in my life. I cried through every shower and dressing. And each day my poor skin got worse and worse.
I thought to myself, how do people with actual burns from fire cope with their pain. They must be beside themselves. Obviously they get strong pain killers, but still. So the whole 'it could be worse', was what kept me going. But I also allowed myself to be sorry for myself. Because this also helped me. It was ok to cry, and scream, and swear. It was ok to just sit and do nothing because being physically still didn't hurt. It was ok to get cranky and then wail, wondering if any man would ever want to look at me naked again.
But then, I started to heal. The body is an amazing thing. It took a while, much longer than I realised or I wanted. But again, this was a ride I just had to take, I couldn't fight it, I just had to be. Listen to my body and take stock.
I have no wounds, everything is healed. There are two scars from the operation, both fading slowly. The skin where the burns were are a myriad of colours, from pasty white and new, to browny, to pink and a few little scars. Again, they will all fade in time. And you know, if they do not, that is ok too.
Better than being dead.
And that is what cancer does - even a teeny one like mine, it makes you face death. And that is fucking scary. I cannot begin to tell you the thoughts I have had, the places I have gone to, even now it is gone.
More so, now it is gone. Cause there will always be that thing at the back of my head...will it come back, there or elsewhere. You hear these stories so many times, I guess I know at some point it probably will.
But I just try not to think about that...too much. Otherwise I would never get out of bed each day. It would be too much.
It is too much.
I spoke to my GP last week, what else can I do to keep tabs on things. Nothing, she said, you are doing everything you can already. The radiation has placed me back on a level playing field with everyone else. I know that should make me feel positive and happy - and it does. But it cannot remove that fear. Nothing ever will. I just need to trust my body and hope I remain lucky for a little while longer.
Most days I do not even think about it, I have gotten really really good at decompartmentalising.
But sometimes I do...and maybe that is not a bad thing.
It makes me want to be the best me, live the best life for me, do what I want, be who I want to be.
I have had so much time to think while I have been recuperating. This period has been 7 weeks!
I have learnt to listen to my gut and my body and my emotions, and just not fight them.
I have learnt to be still and just be.
I have learnt to let go.
I have learnt to slow down.
I have learnt to say no.
I have learnt to be better at being in the moment, processing what is happening around me and giving my all to what is happening.
I have sort of lost my ability to multi task, and I hope that stays that way.
I have learnt that it is ok when everything is crazy and pumping around you, not to get caught up in that and just keep going to the beat of your own drum, no matter how slow that may feel.
I have learnt I am far stronger than I ever thought I was.
And yet, far more fragile than I ever thought I was.
And that I can be strong AND fragile simultaneously.
I cry more than I ever did ...which is kinda funny, cause I was a bit of a crier anyway.
And I laugh and smile more than I ever did, cause the little things just amuse me.
But all of these things - and probably more - are minor. I think you will find me much the same that you always did. I like me, I don't need to outwardly change too much. But inwardly I needed to make some huge changes.
Mostly I just needed to be kinder to myself. I am my own worst critic, I think we all are to ourselves. And we just shouldn't. I try to do too much to prove my worth...to whom...people who don't even fucking get it or appreciate or even thank me. The people who truly love and appreciate me don't need me to prove anything. They love me anyway. And this past five months has really shown me who these people are and how very much I am loved.
I cannot thank you all enough - and you know who you are - for the love, the messages, the phone calls, the texts, the visits, the flowers, the presents, and just being there, listening to me or telling me things to help me escape mentally. The love was real and unexpected - which sounds weird, cause you know you are loved, but the outpouring was overwhelmingly magnificent.
And I am certain it helped me get through this.
I head back to work tomorrow, a little anxious, I haven't been there for 7 weeks. I will still be a little tired, how much have I forgotten, can I catch up? Well, I guess I will try and keep my zen and slowly work my way back.
My life gets to resume again, I get to do stuff, go to work, go out, and try to return to normal, whatever that was, cause normal feels like it has shifted somewhat. And I am not quite sure what that - normal - will feel like.
Life will be much the same I do think, but with a learning curve of trying to keep my zen, add back in the good components, remove the bad, and keep balanced with a lot of still and just being.
I don't think I have turned into one of 'those people', OMG, this has completely changed my life. But you cannot go through what I have without feeling a shift of sorts, and really that can only be a good thing.
Today was my last day of the experience, although I guess I will keep mending for a while longer. I headed out for an appointment and then went to the beach for lunch.
And something amazing happened, that helped me close off this experience, the cancer period, the journey, whatever.
When I first found out I had cancer, early that week I had the most extraordinary dream.
Yeah, I know...but please bare with me!!!
It was late at night and I was swimming at Merewether Baths. I often swim at night there, but not by myself and not that late. Also Merewether Baths is where I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, my grandmother who died too young of cancer, and my grandfather, Pop, who also died of cancer, but at the ripe age of 80. This is my touchstone to them, going there for a swim.
So in this dream I felt Pop's presence. I was right near the ocean part of the baths, where there are rockpools etc, but in my dream, something caught my eye, and it was a pod of whales. Their heads bobbing above the water, just looking at me with their large eyes. At first I felt scared, but I could feel they meant me no harm. So I got out of the water and stood on the little boardwalk between us and watched. These were regular hump backs, but then a huge Killer Whale lept out the water, looked me in the eye and gave that kinda creepy smile that Orcas have and the disappeared.
I woke up feeling freaked out and yet strangely comforted.
And that dream has remained as real to me ever since.
It took me a whole day to look up the meaning.
So whales in dreams represent a big change in your life, strength and spirituality, and signify everything is and will be ok. And Orcas in dreams mean family, longevity, romance, harmony, travel, community, and protection, and bringing you home when the time comes.
I've kept that dream with me throughout this experience.
And every time I have headed to the beach - which has been a lot - I have been chasing these whales, but not seen a single one!
Today, I pulled up at Nobbys, parked a little way away. As soon as I got out the car I saw a whale breach, and stood there for a long time just watching a huge pod frolic and breach and stick their tales out. They were too far away to capture on film, but good enough to see. Two outside of the pack, and a small pack or pod following. I cried like a baby.
My experience had come full circle, they had delivered me home safe.
And I was ready to embrace full life again.
I was lucky, and I will never forget how lucky I was.
It was a quick turn around, exactly a month to that date, 20 March, I found out all was a-ok. The cancer was gone, the 2cm zone around it was cancer free and also gone and the lymph taken was also cancer free.
I cannot begin to tell you the relief, all I had to do was rest and let my wounds heal.
And so I did, it wasn't an easy time for me, but really it wasn't that bad...all things considered.
This is where things got a little murky, it all happened so quickly, it left my mind in a spin. I felt too lucky, like maybe I should have suffered more or something.
It's difficult to explain, my mind was still stuck in 'oh my god I have cancer mode', and I had all the feels - sad, cranky, confused etc - but I actually didn't have cancer anymore. Trust me, I was extremely happy about this, but my emotional being just hadn't caught up. But how could it?
That is a lot to take on regardless of how well it turned out.
But I felt churlish so feeling bad when, I was actually ok.
It took a lot of time to sort out those feelings, and I realised - with the help of my amazing therapist - that I just have to go with those feelings and not fight them, if I was sad - be sad, cranky - be cranky. Yes, I might not have cancer anymore, but I needed to catch up and just embrace what was going on. The more I tried to fight these - to me, silly feelings - the worse I was going to be.
And so I did.
The day I went back to work I found out I would need radiation. I was almost pleased in a way - yeah, I know how it sounds - because it would possibly make things feel real. Be careful what you wish for, as they say...not that I wished for this...no, not at all.
I felt like this period in between operation and radiation was like treading water, again, I felt resistance. Again, I realised I had to go with what was going on. It was an extremely difficult time mentally. Trying to be on at work, and not think too much about the path ahead. Also knowing that physically I was almost mended and the radiation would pretty much undo all of that.
Once the radiation started, I juggled work and treatment - many do - and it worked ok. I was feeling great, it seemed like a walk in the park and I had caught up mentally. I was nearly there.
By the third week of treatment I started to really tire. So I finished up work, and things really started to unravel. I knew all the side effects etc etc but things had been going so well, I guess it didn't really sink in.
By the end of week four, I was a mess physically. My skin has completely broken down, it hurt, it weeped, it sometimes bled. I had to learn how to dress the wounds. They were around my breast, and mostly under my arm. It was not pretty. As week 5 hit, showering and dressing the wounds was beyond painful. This was the worst pain I had felt in my life. I cried through every shower and dressing. And each day my poor skin got worse and worse.
I thought to myself, how do people with actual burns from fire cope with their pain. They must be beside themselves. Obviously they get strong pain killers, but still. So the whole 'it could be worse', was what kept me going. But I also allowed myself to be sorry for myself. Because this also helped me. It was ok to cry, and scream, and swear. It was ok to just sit and do nothing because being physically still didn't hurt. It was ok to get cranky and then wail, wondering if any man would ever want to look at me naked again.
But then, I started to heal. The body is an amazing thing. It took a while, much longer than I realised or I wanted. But again, this was a ride I just had to take, I couldn't fight it, I just had to be. Listen to my body and take stock.
I have no wounds, everything is healed. There are two scars from the operation, both fading slowly. The skin where the burns were are a myriad of colours, from pasty white and new, to browny, to pink and a few little scars. Again, they will all fade in time. And you know, if they do not, that is ok too.
Better than being dead.
And that is what cancer does - even a teeny one like mine, it makes you face death. And that is fucking scary. I cannot begin to tell you the thoughts I have had, the places I have gone to, even now it is gone.
More so, now it is gone. Cause there will always be that thing at the back of my head...will it come back, there or elsewhere. You hear these stories so many times, I guess I know at some point it probably will.
But I just try not to think about that...too much. Otherwise I would never get out of bed each day. It would be too much.
It is too much.
I spoke to my GP last week, what else can I do to keep tabs on things. Nothing, she said, you are doing everything you can already. The radiation has placed me back on a level playing field with everyone else. I know that should make me feel positive and happy - and it does. But it cannot remove that fear. Nothing ever will. I just need to trust my body and hope I remain lucky for a little while longer.
Most days I do not even think about it, I have gotten really really good at decompartmentalising.
But sometimes I do...and maybe that is not a bad thing.
It makes me want to be the best me, live the best life for me, do what I want, be who I want to be.
I have had so much time to think while I have been recuperating. This period has been 7 weeks!
I have learnt to listen to my gut and my body and my emotions, and just not fight them.
I have learnt to be still and just be.
I have learnt to let go.
I have learnt to slow down.
I have learnt to say no.
I have learnt to be better at being in the moment, processing what is happening around me and giving my all to what is happening.
I have sort of lost my ability to multi task, and I hope that stays that way.
I have learnt that it is ok when everything is crazy and pumping around you, not to get caught up in that and just keep going to the beat of your own drum, no matter how slow that may feel.
I have learnt I am far stronger than I ever thought I was.
And yet, far more fragile than I ever thought I was.
And that I can be strong AND fragile simultaneously.
I cry more than I ever did ...which is kinda funny, cause I was a bit of a crier anyway.
And I laugh and smile more than I ever did, cause the little things just amuse me.
But all of these things - and probably more - are minor. I think you will find me much the same that you always did. I like me, I don't need to outwardly change too much. But inwardly I needed to make some huge changes.
Mostly I just needed to be kinder to myself. I am my own worst critic, I think we all are to ourselves. And we just shouldn't. I try to do too much to prove my worth...to whom...people who don't even fucking get it or appreciate or even thank me. The people who truly love and appreciate me don't need me to prove anything. They love me anyway. And this past five months has really shown me who these people are and how very much I am loved.
I cannot thank you all enough - and you know who you are - for the love, the messages, the phone calls, the texts, the visits, the flowers, the presents, and just being there, listening to me or telling me things to help me escape mentally. The love was real and unexpected - which sounds weird, cause you know you are loved, but the outpouring was overwhelmingly magnificent.
And I am certain it helped me get through this.
I head back to work tomorrow, a little anxious, I haven't been there for 7 weeks. I will still be a little tired, how much have I forgotten, can I catch up? Well, I guess I will try and keep my zen and slowly work my way back.
My life gets to resume again, I get to do stuff, go to work, go out, and try to return to normal, whatever that was, cause normal feels like it has shifted somewhat. And I am not quite sure what that - normal - will feel like.
Life will be much the same I do think, but with a learning curve of trying to keep my zen, add back in the good components, remove the bad, and keep balanced with a lot of still and just being.
I don't think I have turned into one of 'those people', OMG, this has completely changed my life. But you cannot go through what I have without feeling a shift of sorts, and really that can only be a good thing.
Today was my last day of the experience, although I guess I will keep mending for a while longer. I headed out for an appointment and then went to the beach for lunch.
And something amazing happened, that helped me close off this experience, the cancer period, the journey, whatever.
When I first found out I had cancer, early that week I had the most extraordinary dream.
Yeah, I know...but please bare with me!!!
It was late at night and I was swimming at Merewether Baths. I often swim at night there, but not by myself and not that late. Also Merewether Baths is where I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, my grandmother who died too young of cancer, and my grandfather, Pop, who also died of cancer, but at the ripe age of 80. This is my touchstone to them, going there for a swim.
So in this dream I felt Pop's presence. I was right near the ocean part of the baths, where there are rockpools etc, but in my dream, something caught my eye, and it was a pod of whales. Their heads bobbing above the water, just looking at me with their large eyes. At first I felt scared, but I could feel they meant me no harm. So I got out of the water and stood on the little boardwalk between us and watched. These were regular hump backs, but then a huge Killer Whale lept out the water, looked me in the eye and gave that kinda creepy smile that Orcas have and the disappeared.
I woke up feeling freaked out and yet strangely comforted.
And that dream has remained as real to me ever since.
It took me a whole day to look up the meaning.
So whales in dreams represent a big change in your life, strength and spirituality, and signify everything is and will be ok. And Orcas in dreams mean family, longevity, romance, harmony, travel, community, and protection, and bringing you home when the time comes.
I've kept that dream with me throughout this experience.
And every time I have headed to the beach - which has been a lot - I have been chasing these whales, but not seen a single one!
Today, I pulled up at Nobbys, parked a little way away. As soon as I got out the car I saw a whale breach, and stood there for a long time just watching a huge pod frolic and breach and stick their tales out. They were too far away to capture on film, but good enough to see. Two outside of the pack, and a small pack or pod following. I cried like a baby.
My experience had come full circle, they had delivered me home safe.
And I was ready to embrace full life again.
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