2019: the year that was

This is my end of year post where I reflect on my year...

...sigh...

...so it's gonna start rough, but hang in there, I've dug up some good stuff too.

2019, without doubt, was the worst year of my life. Which is saying something given I had cancer in 2018. But the thing is I survived cancer. It is gone. I had a wonderful medical team I could place my faith and trust in to get me through. I didn't have the luxury of that this year.

So health, work, and love life were quite disastrous this year, especially work.

My health continued to amble along, 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Nothing too major, bar a small period of few days where I thought I had cancer again. Thankfully I did not. Recovering from last year took me to Easter, then a few months of feeling almost normal before a throat infection spread to my legs (again) and my chest and lungs, ending with a bung foot. I've only just come good in the past month. So I am getting there and feeling the best I have physically in the past 2 years. Still some ways to go but I feel close!

Mental Health is a whole other story, I have been fighting the black dog most of this year and despite it all, I haven't succumbed to full on depression, which is rather amazing. I've certainly had my moments but I have somehow continued to bounce back. 

See this year brought about the complete and utter annihilation of my almost 20 year career as a Librarian after 30 years of working in libraries. I have tried not to think too much about this or write about it. Mostly as I try to keep my work related stuff upbeat and there is nothing upbeat about this, and also because the thought of it brings me to my knees.

So, the facts are thus. We underwent a restructure. There was a lot of changes. A lot of staff left - because there was no job for them or because they choose to, unwilling to work within these changes. I was lucky enough to remain employed. But along with my colleagues at the same level, I am no longer recognised or paid as a Librarian. I get to maintain my salary as per union agreement for 2 years and then it drops (along with my colleagues) 2 levels. 

There is more, but that'll do. As they say, it is just business.

Being a Librarian is my everything. It is my life's work.

If you know me even remotely, you will know how devastating that is for me.

But I'll tell you this.

How I managed to get through days, sometimes hours this year I have no idea. I just hobbled through - sometimes literally - one step ahead of the black dog. I am so proud of myself for this. I have no idea how I am still standing.

The pain is always there, it'll never go away. I just try to compartmentalise it. The fact remains my career is completely ruined and it was out of my control. We have done nothing wrong.

I am hopeful in time I can resurrect myself professionally, but until then I just need to be patient (something I am not great at...lessons, lessons, lessons) and be grateful I have a job and to make the most of my life. Cause my life - despite this set back - is great.

I actually love the position I was offered, which is looking after the beautiful community of Windale. I was initially quite humiliated at this offer, I did this same role 20 years ago before I was a librarian, but the alternative of unemployment was not an option for me. So it is back to basics and it is quite frankly humbling. I am making lemonade out of lemons, and I am taking opportunities and having fun.

And I am actually feeling the best I have been in a long while. That is, if I do not think too much about the big picture, because it hurts so very much, especially on the back of being so sick. This year was meant to be simple, and stress and anxiety free.

This is why I have been a lot more sensitive and worn my heart on my sleeve more and more as the year progressed. I have always been that way, but when you have been cracked open as I have been this past couple of years, it could have gone either way. That is to say bitterly, and don't think I haven't had those moments, or just try to be kind - to myself and to those around me - and try to create beauty and decency and hope.

I choose the later.

Funnily enough, earlier this year a thing went round Twitter with Librarians sharing their 'origin stories'. I have been working on mine and I am sure I will finish it at some point, but it has been difficult to write as you can imagine and finish given there is no happy ending at this point. But I remain ever hopeful it will come.

Because without hope, what is the point of this thing called life!?

Moving onto my love life, I had moments of happiness in the middle of the year and despite that ending badly, I will look upon the good parts of it fondly...sort of :/ I think so much shite was going on around me I grabbed onto it blindly, and got sucked in. Better than being completely closed off to romantic opportunities I guess! I have tried to kick start the whole dating thing a few times since but really I have not been in the headspace, healthy enough, nor had the time. Something for 2020 maybe!

And, two beautiful friends died, one way too young and one at 102. It is very sad they have gone, but knowing them made us all better people.

Geez, that was just my personal life, don't get me started on politics, climate change, refugees, sexism, racism, and misogyny!

And I am very well aware that many people around me had a rotten year too.

I looked back to what my hopes for 2019 were and it's really difficult not to feel angry, but I refuse to let chance and other people make me feel worse. I wanted better health (ok, I am getting there, tick!), consolidating finances (they improved slightly but given I am looking down the barrel of a significant financial loss NO), a simple year with no dramas (ummm, NO), rest and relax and be still (I tried my best, tick), music (tick, tick), a little holiday somewhere (NOPE, that is next year, been difficult to get time off work and I haven't really been well enough to enjoy a holiday anyway).

I also wrote that if things don't turn out the way I hoped that is ok, at least I am here to experience all that life throws at me, good, bad or otherwise. Well, that I did.

My new mantra for this year was: I am here, I am alive, and I have a job.

And I shall take that into the 20s with me!

And the good...there is always good, no matter how bad things get.

Sometimes you have to look hard and sometimes it is right there in front of you!

The love and support of my family and friends remained king!

Whilst I had to take a break from choir in the middle part of the year I still had my music. Be it choir and One Song Sings when I could attend, live music concerts, and my vinyl project. They all kept me going, music will always be my true love and feed my soul. Playing my vinyl, sorting it out and storing it and taking the responsibility of my father's collection helped soothe my soul in ways immeasurable. Singing with my lovely Sum of the Parts family adds peace and nurture into my life in ways I will never be able to repay.

I did get little trips away to Sydney, and to Coffs Harbour.

I saw lots of art and theatre and movies and television and live music.

I read a lot and attended a lot of writer's talks, at festivals and one off events.

I did my usual soccer and markets and photography things.

I had my 1 year clear from cancer and that is a superb thing.

I got to see Iggy Pop at the Opera House with fabulous friends!

I spent quality time with family and friends over good food and drinks.

I get to work with some truly wonderful, resilient, kind, and supportive people.

I get to play scrabble every Thursday with a lovely, intelligent, but lonely old lady who pops into Windale Library for her books and some company.

I still sit and watch the world go by, daydream, and think.

And I think I am incredibly lucky to be here, alive to take all of this world in, the good and the bad!

I remain ever hopeful that 2020 will be an improvement on this year, it wouldn't take much. 

So I am happy to put this year well and truly behind me.

Stay tuned for my favourites list, all the great cultural things I enjoyed over the year.

To all of those who supported and listened to me or were simply just there being a beautiful presence, I thank you and I love you.