2020 feels fresh and new.
I guess every new year does, but 2020, it feels super fresh and super new!
I cannot explain why, maybe because it is a new decade (but other than 2000, I've never felt that before), maybe the numbers 2020 (perfect sight, clarity, clearness), or maybe I am really hopeful my life will start to turn around after 2 less than stellar years.
I will be turning 50 this year and whilst I actually feel the best I have in a long, long time, despite the past 2 years, I feel because of the past 2 years I need to find something more meaningful to really move past the bad.
I haven't done resolutions in a long time.
And I have moved away from the whole list of things I want to achieve.
Life gets in the way and I'd rather try and live in the moment!
Appreciate what I do have. Find those transient moments of joy.
I intend on spending this year embracing whatever comes my way.
I don't want my life planned within an inch of itself.
I want space to breathe.
I want to sit still AND move fast, depending on what is going on.
I need to sit and daydream and watch the clouds form and think.
I also need to dance and walk and move.
Having said all that, there are things I need to do to help bring back a little clarity in my life. But only when they feel right and putting a time frame on them will only be harmful for my anxiety and stress levels. So I need faith and trust in letting things move mostly organically, with a little push when the time feels right!
They all revolve around one thing - where am I headed in my life or clarity of my being.
And such important decisions cannot be rushed.
The basics are better health (mental and physical), better finance, and removal of obstacles (things and people and self doubt).
I do have a lot of things I have been slowly changing and adding to my life over the past decade and I will continue to do them.
I feel I need to concentrate on four things to assist in this.
1. A Holiday - I really need a break, get away, soak in new surrounds. And I will. This is my treat for surviving cancer - well over a year ago - and I deserve it. It is nothing too fancy, but I am so looking forward to Womad and a couple of weeks exploring Adelaide followed by a week with my beautiful sister in Melbourne. I'll have a very well needed 5 week break from work to do this which will also incorporate a staycation which I love.
2. Cultural pursuits - this is my meditation. Music, Theatre, Film, Art, Literature, Photography, Flaneuring. However, what I really need to do is schedule more time to write. I have consolidated all my ideas from the past few years over the past week, and they need fleshing out. I seem to be good at writing the bones of an idea and then never returning to it. Time is often against me, I shall make the time this year. It will also help declutter my overfull mind!
3. Dream and think - I have a lot to think about, a holiday and cultural pursuits will calm me and settle me and clear my mind and allow better thoughts and ideas to filter through. At least that is how it works for me!
4. Helping others/change the world - one of the great things we can do in this life is to help others. Obviously working in a public library is the essence of that. But I can do more. I have a few ideas of where I can assist, little things, but they might make a difference. AND I read something about the Roaring 20s and the things we need to roar about. Politics, Climate Change, Poverty, Refugees, Sexism, Racism, Misogyny, Bullying, and Cancer. These are things that rattle me, so I will do whatever it takes to reduce them all and I am open to suggestions and assistance. We cannot stand back and let the world around us fail.
l obviously would like a stress and anxiety free year, but thing is I cannot completely control that. I can only control my actions and thoughts when confronted with less than stellar situations. I waded through a fair bit of chaos and fuckwittery last year, and it almost broke me and left me bitter. Almost!!!
So I will continue to be considerate and kind and zen and still and most importantly, hopeful. I can manage that. But I guess I need to be prepared for anything! Cause C'est La Vie!
Finally, I have been working on these thoughts since NYE, and just as I was finishing them I real Neil Gaiman's blog, and he wrote the following. So much more eloquent and far less verbose than me...sigh...that's why he's the gold standard!
"And I hope in the year to come you won't burn. And I hope you won't freeze. I hope you and your family will be safe, and walk freely in the world and that the place you live, if you have one, will be there when you get back. I hope that, for all of us, in the year ahead, kindness will prevail and that gentleness and humanity and forgiveness will be there for us if and when we need them.
And may your New Year be happy, and may you be happy in it.
I hope you make something in the year to come you've always dreamed of making, and didn't know if you could or not. But I bet you can. And I'm sure you will."